Today I am very depressed. I have spent the past hour sitting here at my computer on Facebook looking at my profile and thinking how sad and lonely I am and I have been crying my eyes out whilst shovelling Cadbury chocolate into my mouth and am about to start on my second block. I can't really even describe the feelings I have right now, because I don't understand them. I don't know how to respond to them, and I don't know how to make them go away. I am alone at home, my two dogs are running around happily as usual and my budgies are probably hungry as I haven't given them any seed today yet. For the past 7 days I have been in constant driving pain from an infected wisdom tooth and no one has asked me how I am feeling, or am I ok except my husband who has been doing his best to comfort me but doesn't really know what else to do and I can see the frustration in him that he can't help me more. I love him so much for that quality in him. I haven't been able to sleep, I've had to take panadol and codeine longer than the box says is safe just to be able to eat and get an hours relief before the pain comes back and I have to wait another 3 hours before I can take more meds. This week I have received no phone calls, got no text messages from any family or friends because I haven't called or contacted them first. Two days ago I broke down to my husband that I felt so alone in the world and felt so guilty because I feel like I am putting too much pressure on him to be my constant companion. He held me in his arms and let me cry, he told it would all be ok even though neither of us knew how it was going to be ok. He told me I have friends and that people love me, and I told him he was wrong. I cried and cried and cried, and then my little puppy came over and kept wanting to lick the tears off my face.
Today I feel like I have no purpose, and part of me knows I shouldn't think about such things but I wonder who in this world counts on me as a friend, who wants me around, who truly loves me? How do people express those things and how do I know anyone feels that way about me? Honesty is a rare thing in my life, I have lost many friends and everyday I feel so hurt because the people I've lost never asked me what was going on. They just left! Left me alone and thought the worst of me and I am left not understanding why and feeling so hurt. These are people whom I loved and I find myself not wanting to trust again in case more people leave me.
Last night I stayed up late cleaning and tidying my craft room and I started and finished a sewing tutorial for a guest post I volunteered to do because I needed to feel like I could accomplish something. And I did for a while, then I woke up and started feeling this way and now I don't think it's worth typing out and sending off. Is anyone going to care if I don't send it? Will anyone even use the tutorial? Will anyone thank me for it? Not that I really care about the recognition, but what good will it do? There are no friends around me who I can show the finished product to and get their opinion on it, no one to chat to about the hours I spent working on it and writing it out step by step, and taking the photos, and composing it all, no one to share my happiness and feeling of small accomplishment with. And today, that is digging really deep into my emotions. Is just enjoying it and wanting to contribute something good and fun and kind to the crafting world enough? God knows there's enough out there already, what will me and my blog do? Probably nothing much at all if I'm brutally honest with myself.
And then I considered giving it all up. I really did, truly and honestly. I am still thinking about it now. Then I think of all the other things I've given up over time because my feelings have gotton the better of me. All that work and time and effort put into doing something I enjoy to have it wasted and my self esteem goes back into the red. And then suddenly I know that whilst I am feeling like crap, and I don't know what the point is, that I will load those photos and type that post and send it as planned. It's not going to change how I feel today, but I don't want to let the blogger who asked for it down and have one more person in this world think I can't achieve anything.
I don't have any profound finishing words to end this post with, nothing clever or witty or life changing other than today, I am having a truly sad day. That's all there is to it. And I am hoping that my honesty has shown you that I am not some happy elf-like creature that lives in a fantasy world where I just sit around and craft and paint and sing all day and make the world a brighter place, because it simply isn't like that. Tomorrow I may feel differently, I may not, it doesn't matter. This is what I feel today, I am lonely, I am in pain, and to sum it all up I can say only this...
"I am Jack's inflammed sense of rejection"