*sigh* It's ok, I cooked my steak and my vegies and am currently having at them with great gusto. I figured since I'd bought some yummy golden kiwi fruits I should grab a few out to defrost in the meantime so I can have them with rock solid ice cream later (hey it needs to get eaten!)
Ok.. so I sorted out my food problem (again). Now to fill you in... a few days ago I decided that I'd enough of trying to grow my hair and it was time to give it the chop. You know when your hair gets to that annoying mullet length and would nearly be long enough to put in a pony tail if only you were more patient? No? Well lucky you! I got to that stage, and I also got the point where I knew that trimming it myself as I had done for the past 10 or so months just wasn't going to 'cut' it (haha see what I did there). I trot on down to the hairdresser, park my large pregnant-lady arse into those awkward chairs and say 'I don't really know what I want, just something short and manageable that I can stick some gel stuff in and not worry about'. That was evidently the WRONG thing to say. Why? My hair, and to be fair I did ASK for short, is now almost non-existent. This particular style looks GREAT on other people... people with nice figures and angular faces.. not bloated, puffy, put-on-too-much-pregnancy-weight people such as myself. It just does. not. work. And no I'm not going to show you. It's too awful. I plan on living in beanies til it grows out a bit. I was out today doing some shopping and as I had been cleaning my apartment with a friend in preparation to move I was in my fat pants with my absurdly short hair and I rather large belly poking out the front. Now I have no problem with fat pants, fat pants are great! Particularly when you're fat... oh and by the way, on that note, if one more person says to me 'you're not fat, you're pregnant' I will hit them in the face with a wet Halibut. I caught sight of myself in the mirror as I was looking for giant sized knit wear, and oh god. I am too fat for my fat pants. There is no worse feeling in the world than realising you are too fat for your fat pants. I wanted to run away... I wanted to cry... I wanted to lock myself indoors and never have to see anyone ever again. It certainly did NOT give me the confidence to move almost to another state where family (or anybody for that matter) would ever see me. And NO I am not just too 'pregnant' for my fat pants. I am too fat for them. It is downright bloody depressing. As for the oversized knit wear, I bought two giant jumper things in size XL to frump around in. Hey they're warm, and they fit, that's all I'm really interested in. Except in one of them I look like a giant sheep and in the other I resemble a rather large bumblebee. But, as I said, they're warm and they fit. End of story.
Do you know, it is one of the hardest things to come to terms with when you're a bigger girl and you're pregnant... the hardest thing is coming to terms with the fact that you are not one of those people who start small, grow a bump and snap back the next month after birth. You are curvy and errrm voluptuous to start with, and not overly happy with your current size, then you fall pregnant and find that weight just JUMPS on you from out of nowhere. It is a very difficult thing to accept. It's very hard to be comfortable with yourself and feel confidence. I'm not talking about the bump... I love my bump! My bump is amazing and it's part of me at the moment. It's the other weight that I'm referring to... and if I'm brutally honest today while I was out in my horrid haircut and fat pants I really felt very uncomfortable in public. Even more so than usual. It was a really difficult experience for me emotionally. I do not feel pretty, or that I'm glowing, or sexy, or attractive in the slightest. I honestly felt repulsive, and I stopped a moment to think about how I might feel in another month, or after our bublette is born and I couldn't fathom it at all.
It's the most difficult thing I'm trying to deal with at the moment... it certainly isn't easy, and I know that for the time being I am growing life and my body will do what it will do and that I have little control over it. I also need to accept that regaining my self image and confidence after birth will be very difficult too, but I am doing my best to take it as it comes.
Anyhoo, enough with the doom and gloom! One of my AMAZING friends came in today to help me clean our place and it is looking so much better! I'm feeling less apprehensive about the moving out of here part and now focusing more on the next stages of our journey. My husband is currently on the way back from Albury with the now empty truck and it's the realisation that this is it. My stuff is gone! It's in another place, and we'll soon be living in that place. Scaaary stuff!
Another day down, another one to come tomorrow. Anything after that will just have to wait. Now though I am exhausted, my feet are swollen and I am going to settle down with my freshly-washed fur balls and watch some more Miranda whilst I wait for hubby to get home.