Shambles rambles!

Being this busy is a whole new experience for me! And a good one! ... maybe it would be better if my head was screwed on properly like a normal persons? SO much stress these past few days, and it's bought on a new stress-symptom...REFLUX!! Arrrgh I hate it so much! *sigh* such is life. I am going through Quik-Eze quicker than I'd like :(

So things are pretty much in shambles at the moment, so much happening that I don't know which direction I'm pointed in and spend most of the time running in 7 different directions.... at the same time trying to achieve something. What is it I'm trying to achieve exactly? I don't know! I'm doing free photography sessions for the locals of Armidale, I'm not sure how much longer I can keep at it for free...I have SO many people and families booked in for the next few weeks it's just crazy!! My poor poor husband has been dragged all over town being a taxi for me and sticking around so the complete strangers I work with don't eat me. Hey it's a fear ok!? Hahaha yeah I know it's hilarious... the awkward girl with the social anxiety has chosen a career path that PURELY involves communicating with strangers for prolonged periods of time. I'm careful to warn people of my awkwardness beforehand, and things seem to work out ok ;)

I'm not overly sure of myself, I can admit that much.. I guess I'll just get through these next few weeks the best I can and check out the results at the end! I'm trying my best to be as organised as possible, I have to be afterall! But it is very difficult for me considering that for four years I haven't REALLY had a lot of responsibilities when it came to keeping bookings, tracking names, details, calling people, getting places, being friendly and communicating effectively. Hell I don't know if I'm doing those things overly well but as I said it has been a while! My husband tells me I'm doing well, and that he's proud of me *blushes* for coming out of my shell. Mind you, he's been asking a little more consistantly recently regarding whenabouts I'm going to start charging for my photography...the time spent, the petrol, the calls, the editing, and the giving of photos on a cd free of charge is taking it's toll on our broke circumstances. I guess it's what you have to do though right! I'm not trained or qualified, so it makes sense to me to do it this way... I just don't know what the 'rules' are when it comes to these things.

Apparantly, as a general rule, people aren't QUITE as cruel, creepy rude and nasty as I percieve them to be! Well I'm sure some of them are (I've known a few!) but on the majority people are kind and understanding and just plain... nice! I'm trying not to feel TOO confident about this, as the Universe seems to have an aversion to me being TOO happy (or maybe it's just my perception? Meh...) but yes. There are nice people out there. Nice people who take time from their lives to help me build a portfolio. Nice people who are understanding of me and my funny ways. Nice people who understand that whilst they are doing me a favour by helping me out, I am also doing them one....and that's something I admire :o)


But that's enough rambling out me Mr. Blog! I just had thoughts in my head and they needed to be made sense of. I haven't abandoned those free crafty and cooking tutorials either! I have a few in the pipeline (is that the expression?) but just haven't the time to sit down and do them for you! I will I will I will I promise times infinity!

Crochet therapy

A new crochet project picked me up a little from the dark place I was in thismorning... who couldn't feel a little cheer with these bright colours and gorgeous pattern :o) If you'd like to give it a try, just search for the 'More V's Please' pattern on Ravelry. It's easy and looks so lovely in one coloured block or multicoloured...for my fellow yarn-addicts give it a try! It helped to take my mind off things for a while and just vege out... reality has come flying back and I think all I need now is a decent nights sleep and Quik-Eze! Heartburn for 3 days is driving me INSANE on top of everything else! Hell, everything else is probably causing the heartburn -.- Damn.

 Our Real Estate that we rent through kindly forgot to tell us that an odd 40 feet of our fence was being replaced over today and tomorrow so I went to work with hubby, holed up on the floor on the carpet and made some crochet magic happen. Then I came home and proceeded to drift slowly down hill and fade into my mental oblivion. Oh well! At least I got something done today!

A place in my mind

Welcome to the great unknown! The path you are about to take is packed with potholes, ravines, fallen logs, raining halibut, ravenous wolves, people who will hate you, people who will love you and people who just won't care. You will struggle, you will climb, claw, scratch, chew and limp your way at times; you will both fire a hand-canon and charge through the thicket brave, strong and true at times and you will be shot at, hide from the storm, take the hits and want to give up. Your thoughts are now your own worst enemy, you will feel both elated with every success and fall apart at the smallest dissappointment sometimes at the same time. One little comment can either send you soaring or crashing to the ground. The people around you can only support you at every other step, nomatter what they may say or do, this path is one you will take alone. No one can understand the struggles you will face.

You will learn to draw a line between cautious and paranoid. It will not always be clear, and it has the potential to break you apart. Sometimes you won't remember whether it was something someone said or whether it was simply all in your imagination. This WILL make your journey difficult. Your voice of reason will tell you that people can't be that cruel, perhaps they didn't mean it that way, perhaps you are overreacting. You will try to rationalise, but that voice of negativity will always push past and plant it's feet firmly. They DON'T care, they're just saying that, you know they're lying, they talk about you when you're not around...

You begin to question that voice, not in a rational way because the journey you take has no tolerance for reason. It will become your voice and eventually you will find you have no choice...it has consumed you and now it's all you are.

Leaving the house is impossible, you are too fat, too ugly and too unwelcome in the world. The world is a scary place, you're not sure who your friends are. You won't talk to anyone about this, why waste their time?


Today, this is me. Tomorrow may change, but I can't know. Welcome to the great unknown.