A place in my mind

Welcome to the great unknown! The path you are about to take is packed with potholes, ravines, fallen logs, raining halibut, ravenous wolves, people who will hate you, people who will love you and people who just won't care. You will struggle, you will climb, claw, scratch, chew and limp your way at times; you will both fire a hand-canon and charge through the thicket brave, strong and true at times and you will be shot at, hide from the storm, take the hits and want to give up. Your thoughts are now your own worst enemy, you will feel both elated with every success and fall apart at the smallest dissappointment sometimes at the same time. One little comment can either send you soaring or crashing to the ground. The people around you can only support you at every other step, nomatter what they may say or do, this path is one you will take alone. No one can understand the struggles you will face.

You will learn to draw a line between cautious and paranoid. It will not always be clear, and it has the potential to break you apart. Sometimes you won't remember whether it was something someone said or whether it was simply all in your imagination. This WILL make your journey difficult. Your voice of reason will tell you that people can't be that cruel, perhaps they didn't mean it that way, perhaps you are overreacting. You will try to rationalise, but that voice of negativity will always push past and plant it's feet firmly. They DON'T care, they're just saying that, you know they're lying, they talk about you when you're not around...

You begin to question that voice, not in a rational way because the journey you take has no tolerance for reason. It will become your voice and eventually you will find you have no choice...it has consumed you and now it's all you are.

Leaving the house is impossible, you are too fat, too ugly and too unwelcome in the world. The world is a scary place, you're not sure who your friends are. You won't talk to anyone about this, why waste their time?


Today, this is me. Tomorrow may change, but I can't know. Welcome to the great unknown.

Derp.

I am making this Cactus Garden. I'm telling you because it may never be finished; I HATE single crochet...probably why I prefer admiring Amigurumi from a distance.

It's windy today, my dogs are growling and romping around the loungeroom, I have a feeling it may storm, I am currently surrounded by yarn (which you would THINK would cheer me up but it's just making me frustrated), I am still in my pj's and dressing gown at 3.22pm, I am definately sure most of the world is out to get to me and my husband is bringing me a packet of double coat Tim Tams and a mixed Kebab with BBQ sauce and sour cream when he finishes work. I am feeling extremely tired, weak, crap and would have no problem killing anything that annoys me today with fire. I have no idea why... the joys of being me!

However thumbs up for the awesome husband who senses my extreme bleck-ness today and opts to bring me tasty foods.

 

Well hey it wouldn't be much of a blog if I didn't crap on about how shit things are sometimes. I feel like a total derp-nozzle....Sorry I can't be one of those super dooper craft/life bloggers who are always happy and have awesome projects and kids and houses and life styles and interesting things to write about yada yada yada etc I'm really quite average!


Why can't I just be happy in my pajamas surrounded by wool and junkfood?


I've got no freakin' clue.

Oh and in case you're wondering, yes that is my brain slug buried in that wool there.


Derp indeed.

Grouchy catch up - craptastic craft stuff and general crankiness

Having a royally sh** day and seriously couldn't care less if the world imploded and all that was left was an army of nuclear-enhanced cockroaches. I have cramps that could kill people, my usually cynical outlook is now plain vindictive and it seems everyone is out to test how far my temper stretches. There is not nearly enough chocolate in the house and I feel like the Good Year blimp right now, bloated, full of hot air and a huge eyesore!

I could go on complaining in more detail but the specific people who are currently annoying (I very much wanted to use a more colourful word but I didn't think you'd appreciate that) me off might get narky... or at least more so than their usual kind loving and considerate (BARF) natures.

Anyway, here are some photos of things I've been doing recently. I feel like I haven't blogged about anything crafty in a while. I am barely bringing myself to formulate sentences but hey, you get that on the big jobs.. DAMNIT i'm mad. Ah who cares...sorry, on with the catch up stuff.

I made a tiny crochet top hat..

I drew a chibi Jade from Homestuck - if you don't know what that is, I'm not explaining because it's all insane..just enjoy the pretty picture

I drew some portraits

I made a pair of baby booties

I took a Hipstamatic of my dog

I finished a baby blanket I was working on

and I took a silly photo of myself on my webcam.

That's about it! Now I'm going to go make myself French Toast DRENCHED in sugar because I am hungry and already feel like a fatty so I don't care. So what if all my blog posts aren't all happy cheerful grammatically correct stories of wonderment and joy! That's just life sweet cheeks!

Hope your day is less... infuriating...

Want to know how awkward I am in day to day life?

Hey there quirky beans! :o)

I was in town thismorning BY MYSELF I know don't die of shock (I haven't been into town on my own in months...I usually go with hubby so I don't get scared, yes I'm being serious) I bought a coffee whilst waiting for the Post Office to open and whilst I was at the cafe, kinda awkwardly sitting there with people bustling around me attempting to sip my coffee without missing my mouth and pouring it on my shirt (It happens, trust me) and me being paranoid about the fat rolls showing through my jumper whilst I was sitting so I was fidgeting and pulling my shirt down and trying to flatten my stomach as I sat. Welcome to my world! I am truly THAT awkward in public! I was even aware of my facial expression, I felt like I should have bought a book with me so I wasn't just sitting there looking...well AWKWARD!

But anyway, so the coffee was fab as always...it's the same cafe we buy our ground beans for our coffee machine from, I could have had a coffee at home but it's not the same as when someone else makes it for you. (I would have taken a photo but I was afraid I'd look stupid) so you'll just have to imagine what an amazing coffee looks like. Then I hopped along to the Post Office down the road. Which wasn't open yet. And then I realised I'd left my umbrella at the coffee shop *slaps self in forhead* DAH! It would have to wait, I'll get it later. Finally getting into the Post Office I stood in line for a few minutes before I realised I was holding my drawing in my hands and was going to post it as is. Another superb DAH! moment, so I left the line and found a post bag, jotted down the address, popped in the drawing and resumed my place at the end of the line. What fun times I have when I'm alone! HA!
The letter is now safely posted, and should HOPEFULLY arrive at it's destination in one piece.
So then I trotted back off the coffee shop to collect my umbrella, and they gave me a free blueberry muffin :o) Apparantly they'd been overcooked in the oven that morning and couldn't be sold, I think they took pity on my and gave me one...maybe it was because all the other customers were so thin and I wasn't, so they figured I'd accept one....either way it would bloody delicious! Free food is a WIN in my books! It was still warm and absolutely chokers with yummy blueberries! Again, I'd share a photo but I ate it :o)

Umbrella in hand, I went to try the library again hoping to borrow The Great Gatsby, the next book I want to read in my quest to complete the 100 Best Novels of All Time BUT turns out the library doesn't open til 10am. I checked my phone, it was only 9am. Poo I thought to myself, I can't have another coffee to fill in an hour!  So I started off home. Suprisingly the breeze wasn't too nippy thismorning, I was lucky to be out in an Armidale morning where I DIDN'T get frostbite from 5 minute wind exposure. I was passing an op shop when I thought to myself, 'when was the last time I had a peruse?' the answer is over a year ago!! Having no spare money at your disposal does that.. but hey I had $10 so why not! It didn't open til 9.30am...at this stage it was only 9.10am. DRAT, oh well, I'll wait. Another eager early morning op-shopper arrived and we had a nice chat out front whilst waiting :o)

Let me just say, I ADORE op-shops! Alas when you only have $10, there's not a lot you can buy...I tried not to look too closely as there were tons of lovely dresses and tops and jumpers and coats and even a gorgeous fedora hat which I so desperately would love to own! I made a beeline for the fabric, zippers and buttons section *drool*..but still only $10. And I also have a fair amount of those things here at home already, I really shouldn't buy more...SHOULDN'T being the operative word there. I resisted. I was just about to leave when I noticed a medium sized long white box in the window marked 'Newcastle Surgical Appliances'. I was pretty convinced that the box did not, in fact, contain surgical appliances but I got closer and opened it... turns out it was somekind of surgical appliance. I think!...I'm not sure, to me it looked like an underbust corset of some kind, but now that I have it home and am inspecting it a little closer, noticing all the steel boning, the heavy duty lace up system it seems to have going, it is a surgical appliance! It's a size medium Surgical Back Support Corset! I did a bit of research and I found this!

http://www.powerhousemuseum.com/collection/database/?irn=135642

Mine is very very similar though there is less to it! I don't think it's circa 1955-65, but it is a very close make and design, perhaps just an available variation. Either way that just makes it even more AWESOME! I like finding oddities, and this is certainly an odd find! And whats more, the buckles and steel boning will make for an amazing Steampunk cosplay! And hey I'll have great posture all day!

It kinda resembles a straight jacket, which I love!

The staining I can bleach out, I'll replace the ties up the sides with black ribbon or chord and I'll dye the whole thing black and rub the bones down with some bronze boot polish. I'm going on the lookout for an old alarm clock that I can frankenstein and make jewellery out of the cogs with. It's been too long since I got to play with a soldering iron! All in all... a GREAT day!

Oh! Also, last night I started a new crochet project, Pineapple Crochet Shawl with the same dark burgundy red I made my top hat with..I have plans for it ;) At first glance the pattern looks confusing, but I'm working through it row by row and it's alot simper than it looks. I promise to share progress photos :o)

Happy Wednesday guys!

P.s I also have had the pleasure of dealing with a nasty virus that affected a certain social networking site... if you find something called 'Amazing Apps' in your computer's ad-ons, I'd disable it if I were you. I can't go into too much more detail but I'd just check that if you have a spare sec.

From blank paper to portrait!

I asked a local fellow crafter today whether she would mind me drawing a portrait of her and her daughter for a little practice, it was such a beautiful photo of them both and an absolute dream to draw! I'm not good enough to try and draw a portrait from life yet...maybe one day in the future but definately not anytime soon! I usually find working from photographs works best for me, I like to spend time studying it and getting a feel for the subjects...I think if I were to draw from life my subjects would get a little freaked out with me standing an inch away from them inspecting the curve of their face or the shape of their nose!

Working in the preliminary sketches and figuring out what needs to go where...I always find this the hardest part of any drawing! Especially faces!

Slowly beginning to add in areas of major shading and smaller details

Working in the facial features...I always leave the trickiest part til last, in this case the baby's face

At this stage I'd been at it for about an hour, nearly finished! Just a few more finishing touches to add.

And then suddenly everything comes together!

I always feel a strange mixture of things when beginning a drawing... first and foremost it's me worrying that the finished product won't work out, or that I will make some major unfixable mistake and end up ruining it. Logic says to put it aside and try again but my patience and expectations tell me 'not going to happen!'. I am by NO means a professional, nor am I particularly acurate with my portraits...I know when something hasn't been drawn right, I notice it only at the end and by that stage I'm just so glad it mostly worked out that I don't mind too much. I keep telling myself perfection will come with practice and practice, practice practice is what I intend to do! The other feelings usually consist of anticipation...not to see the end product, but anticipation of what will come out of the end of my pencil along the way, how I tackle each section; I ALWAYS feel nervous..I don't know why! Whether Im drawing for a commission or just for fun I always feel nerves! Like someone is watching me and ready to pounce on any mistake although that's probably just my paranoia getting to me. Then at the end I get confused as to whether I should feel relieved that it's over and it doesn't look like a stick figure, if I should feel accomplished and proud of my work or whether I should discard it and start over again. That is very contradictory of my previous comment, I never ACTUALLY discard my work and start again (even though sometimes I should) but that doesn't stop me feeling like I should. My oh my there goes my cup half empty attitude again! I can't just be happy about it can I? haha ohhh well... I guess that's why I blog! I've shown you the basic processes I go through to produce a drawing, perhaps you can appreciate it for me? :o)

A bit of baking and a bad mood

Let me just state a very simple fact that I have learned today....

Baking + A Bad Mood = Guaranteed Disaster!!

I have an absolutely awful day, stress galore and just a tad moody and upset and it hasn't been progressing well. It's 11pm at night and I feel like bed is miles away from me, Im just so strung out! I do have herbal sleep assist pills that I can take but I try not to unless things are unbearable. I guess that's the fun of living with anxiety and depression! But anyway...

So I decided this afternoon after doing a bit of pinterest perusing (how neat is that word?) that I was going to make cupcakes. I wanted to make a few to share with our neighbours who I think are a bit shy, but seem very kind so they're sort of an ice breaker. I hope they like cake! So I decided I wanted vanilla bite sized cupcakes with tiffany blue icing, silver cachous and handmade seashell ganache chocolates on top... and thankfully despite the mood issues most of them turned out wonderfully and just how I had pictured! Probably a bit too over the top for their purpose, but inspiration must be made reality when the urge takes you!

Though of course, some kept falling over due to being a tad top heavy and the icing got ruined, and the chocolates wouldnt come out of their moulds despite a lot of frustrating banging on the bench (which probably annoyed my poor neighbours as we share a wall)...and one cupcake MIGHT have been flung at high velocity at the walls at some stage leaving a very artistic blue spatter on my white walls. Luckily at that point my wonderful husband came to the rescue and took over for me, while I very childishly stormed off to hide in our room and brood on my frustrations. And so here I am now! Reflecting on my terrible day and crankiness (is that a word?). It wasn't ALLLL that bad though, parts were good! For example I got hooked to watching a series called 'Spaced' which stars two of my all time favs Nick Frost and Simon Pegg, and I am absolutely loving it! And I also discovered that my strawberries which I may have forgotton about for a few weeks, and were looking very brown and 'crunchy' got some good watering yesterday and low and behold they have bounced back!! They're sprouting new leaves and going for gold the little fighters! They are very understanding of my lack of garden experience I think! Ohh, I almost forgot! My EXTREMELY naughty foxy decided he was going to make a load of havoc today and did everything he could to annoy me including ripping open a rubbish bag we had yet to take out and spreading it's contents all over my newly vacuumed loungeroom floor!! The little devil got kicked outside on his chain for a few hours after that, but then after dark fell we fell sorry for him and gave in to his whimpering and let him back in. He's been very sheepish since then, I think the lesson finally sank in!

I realised also that I am a bit behind in my 'Journey of Autumn' posts, I have a few for the coming days already drafted (you'll love them!) but all the trees turn so fast here that I'm going to need to work fast these next few days and get some snaps before there's no leaves left!! Just a note here...while Autumn in Armidale is just lovely, once Winter kicks in the place looks a bit like Russian winter. Bleak, grey and not a leaf to be seen! And did I mention FREEZING! It seriously baffles me as to why it doesn't snow here more often! I have some lovely paintings to show you, a few songs I've found (not mine, good Lord you don't want to hear me sing!) and there may be a short story in the making too.

So now that I have made my confessions and thankfully picked up on the bright sides of today, and started to ramble I definately think it is time for bed!